Howdy United Kingdom,
So, I heard from Australia that you’re having a rough patch with Europe.
Look, I get it, she high maintenance, but I wouldn’t have bailed her out…TWICE…if I didn’t think she wasn’t pretty awesome.
Here’s the deal…you’re together…and need each other.
So don’t do something batshit crazy (and I’m talking from experience) like vote to leave her tomorrow.
I know you can make it work, because deep down you care about each other. I feel it in every fiber of my Stars and Stripes.
Buddy, stay with Europe and I’ll make sure to take care of this god awful Trump Rash by November. Deal?
P.S. Nice to see England, Wales and Northern Ireland make it into Euro 2016 knockout stage. BTW: we put those cases of single malt that you sent to good use after last night’s thrashing by Argentina (Messi…what were we thinking?)